


Alas, Poor Taako

by mambo



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - High School, High School, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-17
Updated: 2017-09-17
Packaged: 2018-12-30 17:04:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12113274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mambo/pseuds/mambo
Summary: Kravitz's bad Cockney accent does not work for Shakespearean monologues.(Taako goes to drama class with Lup and Barry and sees Kravitz perform Shakespeare.)





	Alas, Poor Taako

**Author's Note:**

> I just wanted to have Kravitz do Hamlet because of the whole skull thing.

“Later assholes,” Taako says to Magnus and Merle with a wave as he walks into small theater where his drama class meets. Lup is already there and waves him over. Barry sits next to her, shifting uncomfortably in his starchy bluejeans. It’s monologue day, and Taako has some pretty cool shit prepped and ready to go, and he knows Lup does, too. They’re gonna blow everyone’s fucking socks off, is what they’re gonna do. Make Shakespeare their bitch.

“What’s up, my man?” Lup asks. “You’re looking like a dude ready to slay some Shakespeare.”

“Is this where I make a joke about being a bard? Because I think that may be beneath my exquisite taste in humor,” he says as he sits down next to her. He gives Barry a wave. Barry, however, is too busy muttering his monologue under his breath and staring at the printed page his piece from _King Lear_ is from. “Nerd,” Taako mutters under his breath, nudging Lup’s side with his elbow.

Lup snorts. “ _My_ nerd,” she says, pulling an arm around Barry’s shoulders.

Barry doesn’t even look up.

“Babe,” she says, shaking him a little.

“My mind as generous, and my shape as true—“ he says.

“ _Babe_ ,” Lup says again with another shake.

“Wha-what?” Barry says, straightening up. “Did I miss something?” he asks.

“Merely my entrance,” Taako says.

“But what a thing to miss,” Lup adds in solidarity.

“This monologue is _forty percent of our grade_ ,” Barry says. “Is that even allowed? Aren’t there rules against these sort of things?”

“The injustice is just too great,” Taako says. “I say we rebel, pull out some Christopher Marlowe, maybe—“

“Excuse me,” says a low voice. Taako looks up and sees the tall drink of water it’s coming from. “Is this Drama 101?”

“Yeah, my man,” Taako says. “You a talent scout?” he asks. “I’m waiting to get discovered.”

“By the _dick_ ,” Lup says.

“What’s your name?” Taako asks. “Your story? Your star sign?”

“I’m a Libra,” Barry says, unhelpfully.

“Thank you Barold, for your important contribution to this conversation,” Taako says. Lup rolls her eyes and gives Barry a loving pat on the back.

“No, no,” the man says with a soft chuckle, shaking his head. His long locks sway with the movement, swinging in a hypnotizing pattern. “I’m not here for any of that. My name is Kravitz. I’m in Mr. Jones’ sixth period advanced class. He asked me come deliver a monologue for your class.”

Taako nods, thoughtful. “Sure, fine, inspire the troops, but what was that star sign?” he asks.

“Capricorn,” Kravitz says in a low voice with a small smile.

“Capricorn, huh, I can work with that.” He turns to Lup. “Right?”

She nods. “Uh-huh, yeah. That’s doable.”

“Pardon me,” Kravitz says with a slow nod of his head before he turns towards the front of the blackbox theater towards Mr. Jones.

“He wants me,” Taako says as soon as Kravitz is out of earshot. He stretches out, putting his hands behind his head and crossing his legs at the ankle.

“He’s a Capricorn,” Lup mutters, “boy doesn’t know what he wants.”

“I hear you, but I’m also going to ignore you,” Taako says, keeping a keen eye on Kravitz as he kibbutzes with Mr. Jones across the room. They laugh, and Taako can just make out Kravitz’s throaty chuckle. “That’s a tall glass of water,” he says.

“He’s a nerd,” Lup says.

“What makes you say that?”

“He came here for _extra_ class. He must be a _huge_ nerd, or he’s in love with Mr. Jones. Either way, you’re not interested.”

“Hey, I have _nothing_ against hot nerds, and I have been through not one, not two, but _three_ battles of sexuality with faculty members in this esteemed institution.” He leans in close to her and says, “And I _won_.”

She reaches down and pats his hand. “That’s great kid, really swell, but is this the hill you want to die on?”

Taako takes a long look at Kravitz.

“ _Yuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup_ ,” he says, popping the p right in Lup’s ear.

“Everyone, everyone,” Mr. Jones says. “I hope that you’re all ready for the the-at-re,” he adds, prolonging each syllable.

“Hell yes I am,” Lup yells. “Bring it, Mr. Jones!”

“Thank you Lup,” Mr. Jones says, already exasperated.

“You’re welcome, Mr. Jones.” She smiles, crosses her arms, and leans back in her chair. “And _that’s_ how you get an A,” she says.

“Lup, you’re failing,” Mr. Jones says, before moving on. “So, everyone, big day. _Huge_.” He pauses, grinning. “Anyone get that reference?” he asks.

There’s silence.

He looks at Lup. “Lup?" he asks.

“No idea, Mr. J, but I can surmise that it’s from some movie that you watch alone at night while you drink red wine and cry.”

“That is… it’s _Pretty Woman_ ,” Mr. Jones says as the class snickers. Taako hazards a look over to Kravitz, who hides a chuckle behind his hand. Taako smirks. “ _Anyhow_ ,” Mr. Jones says, “it’s monologue day! I hope everyone has theirs prepared.” No one says a word. “That’s upsetting,” he says. He clears his throat. “Anyhow, to get all of you inspired, I have a special treat for all of you.”

“Hell yeah, eye candy,” Taako says.

“This is Kravitz, from my eighth period advanced drama seminar, and he’ll be performing Hamlet’s Act 5 speech.”

“Thank you,” Kravitz says with a small smile as he moves to center-stage. “And thank you all for humoring me,” he says to the class with a little gesture their way. It is dorky as _hell_ , and Taako is here for it.

He clears his throat twice, gives his head a little shake, then says, “Alas, poor Yorick” in the worst Cockney accent Taako has heard in his _life_.

“Is this a joke?” Barry mutters.

“I… I don’t think so,” Lup says before Kravitz launches into the rest of the monolog in the same accent.

Keeping himself from laughing is, possibly, the hardest thing that Taako has ever done. Kravitz is objectively _awful_. Besides the accent, his gestures are overwrought and he transforms his own head into a skull to represent _Yorik’s_ skull, which is a cool effect, but just doesn’t work within the context of the story.

When he’s done, there’s a smattering of mild applause. Taako wolf whistles. It’s only appropriate.

“Thank you, Kravitz, for that dazzling performance,” Mr. Jones says, wiping a goddamn tear from his cheek. “Let me just, we all need a few minutes to recover from that beautiful scene, so let’s just take ten and reconvene.”

Mr. Jones walks offstage, probably weeping and heading towards the bottle of wine he has stashed in the teacher’s bathroom, and Kravitz hops off the stage and back towards Taako. “Well?” he asks. “What did you think?”

“You have an interesting way of speaking,” Barry says.

“Yeah, you’re very expressive!” Lup adds with false enthusiasm.

“It was… not good,” Taako says.

Kravitz laughs. “I really don’t have any talent for these sorts of things,” he says.

“That’s for sure,” Lup says.

“I really don’t know why Mr. Jones asked me to come do this. I mean, maybe to let you all know that you’re not going to be as terrible as you could be. My talents lay, primarily, in music performance.”

“Then why are you in Mr. Jones’ advanced class?” Barry asks.

“I play the accompaniment for the musical and opera students,” he says.

“Makes sense,” Taako says. “The skull thing was cool,” he adds, because he’s not a _total_ asshole.

“Thanks, it’s just a thing that my head does.” He clears his throat. “Anyway, Taako, would you be interested in some coaching for your final monolog?” he asks.

Taako raises an eyebrow. “My dude, we all just decided that you were terrible up there. Why would I want you to coach me?”

Kravitz raises his eyebrows.

“Oh,” Taako says.

“Hell yeah,” Lup says.

“What?” Barry asks, scratching his head.

“Well,” Taako says, “this is where I take my leave.” He stands up and grins. “Tell the teach that I got a stomach ache or something.”

“But your grade!” Barry says.

“Barry my man, I’m sure I can do the monolog another day, and I still don’t really think that any of this actually exists, so I’m going to go spend the afternoon with this _very_ attractive man beneath the football bleachers and not worry about any of this.”

Lup nods, thoughtful. “Sounds like a plan,” she says. “Have a nice time.”

Taako looks to Kravitz and grins. “Lead the way, dude,” he says.

**Author's Note:**

> Well, there's my first TAZ fic! And the first fic I've written in a while. I wrote it pretty quickly, so I hope it's not too badly riddled with errors. Anyhow, it's both weird and exciting to write for a different fandom after writing for another for so long. I hope I'll be writing more for TAZ and soon!
> 
> Anyhow, if you liked the fic, consider following me on Tumblr at [whtaft](whtaft.tumblr.com). Thanks for reading!


End file.
